The Art of Feeling Good Enough

Mindfulness Monday

"With my thoughts, I make the world."

In junior high school I pinned a button on my backpack that looked something like this:

                                                                  (actual size)

Ironically, I rarely smiled; seldom spoke for that matter. I was angst itself, accessorized with loafers, knee socks, and aching shyness. I kept cute, predominantly yellow things around to buoy me when the surf got turbulent, which was frequently in my family.  

David, a kid in one of my classes, pointed at my sun and rainbow button one day (^ the one up above, remember?) and said, “I hate people who have these buttons.” He didn’t say, “I hate these buttons,” he said “I hate people who have these buttons.”

I had to think for a minute. Wait, that would be me.  

The sun immediately turned to burnt umber and although David was not a contender for my affection, (mainly because I had no idea what that meant back then), I sunk further into my inferiority complex, (with which I was fully acquainted).

Instead of replying, “Hey dimwit, bugger off, the button said, ‘Have a nice day’ for God’s sake, what’s wrong with YOU?”

I deduced something was wrong with ME, removed the pin, and for many years, the sentiment. I would like to take this moment to finally reply:

                                  (actual thought that led to actual article)

It took me a long time to feel better about who I was, not just because of the David incident but because I believed the stories I told myself about me as well as believing stories from people I shouldn’t have listened to. They were just stories, but I didn’t know I could edit, revise, and rewrite them. There was a diagnosis of clinical depression in there somewhere which actually inspired my writing and the realization that these tools called pens held the power to alchemize depression, davids, and darkness into poetry, and angst into art.

Now my depression just stands in the corner waving because I changed its story to something that just stands in corners waving, presenting up useful fodder for poems, new characters for prose, or moods for painting melancholy castles.

It was the birth of “So what, I’ll do it anyway!” I might not feel good enough… so what, I’m not going to let that stop me. It didn’t happen in 30 days and it didn’t happen in a straight line.

                                                           (dramatization)

There are still things I don’t like about myself because that’s how we humans roll most of the time. Out of habit, we think we are not good enough. Those thoughts keep locking the door to a more liberated life. We replay limiting thoughts until they become beliefs. We interpret the world in ways that don’t often serve our existence until we realize there’s another way.

We can accept that we don’t like everything about ourselves because denying it takes too much energy and doesn’t work.  Just say thanks for sharing and, this is a challenge I know you’re capable of, notice the other stuff. What you pay attention to will begin to be your world. Pay attention to creativity.

It doesn’t happen immediately. It happens by asking a question repeatedly, until you’re living the answer because your subconscious found it while you were cleaning the kitchen counter:

What would it feel like to feel good enough?”

Just ask the question. The other question, why aren’t I good enough? isn’t as helpful.

Ever since I started asking it, I’ve surprised myself with how the yellow is more prominent than the umber.

Have a nice day.

Jill