Regretlessness

Michele Obama was interviewing Jane Fonda. Wow. Just wow.

[pulling self together] Also this:

Jane Fonda, who basically spent a lifetime being luminous and slightly ferocious, shared that she decided to live her life after sixty in such a way there wouldn’t be any regrets. She said her dad died with many regrets. Let knowing this somehow be a talisman for us to live with more grace, kindness, and courage.

As strategies go, avoiding regrets is pretty solid.

You’ve heard these end-of-life sentiments: “I wish I’d taken more risks. I wish I’d worked less, loved more, actually told people what I felt, and eaten the damn pie.”

Good to know. File that under: Don’t Chicken Out.

But here’s the problem. We humans love to poke around in the ruins; we turn our heads more toward what’s broken than what’s not, what never got finished … perpetually twirling the baton of “should haves,” occasionally knocking ourselves in the head with it. I have the bruises to prove it. Regret is ready for any precarious occasion. It’s human, instructive, but an energy-suck. What if every once in awhile we looked at the things we don’t regret?

In a creativity coaching role, I sometimes ask, “You call yourself a procrastinator, but seriously, you’ve finished things, haven’t you?” Spoiler: pretty much everyone has finished things, so the answer is of course yes; the negativity bias has been foiled. Gratitude replaces regret. Feeling better begets more action.

Maybe you don’t always show up for your creative passion. Let’s try this: list what you’ve actually gotten done on any of your pursuits, what you did show up for? There are always actions, plans, victories we forget or dismiss, but they’re real and worthy … they count as things we get to celebrate.

I ask a client, a poet, and putter-offer, “Has this block ever happened before?” What worked?” And there it is, the answer, a return to the self, to a core of capability, a place that’s not victim-hood but tenacity. We’re braver and more resilient than we give ourselves credit for. We’ve had successes we dismiss.

Returning to yourself nudges you back to strength. Because yes, there’s value in noticing what you didn’t do, but there’s magic in tallying up the things you DID and didn’t regret: traveling, leaving, staying, loving, quitting, trying, sobbing, laughing, forgiving yourself for being exactly as you are: imperfect, astonishing, alive.

Here are just a few things I don’t regret:

· Leaving relationships that weren’t working for me.

· Getting married in my sixties - love is not age-specific.

· Every moment of generosity, patience, and kindness I was wise enough to execute.

· Staying in touch with the people who remind me of why we keep going.

· Quitting jobs that sucked out my creativity, my delight, and my brain.

· Hiking the Cotswold Trail and Spain, biking the San Juan Islands.

· Relocating to San Diego and surrendering to a series of hairball-prone cats.

· Inventing my own career out of passions and nervous energy, despite anxiety being my constant sidekick, and ADHD my obstacle course.

· Choosing creative solitude over feeling obligated to be social.

· Becoming an occupational therapist and yoga teacher. Writing and illustrating three books.

· Running creativity retreats.

· To name just a few. Are you starting to think of yours?

Maybe that’s the whole exercise for Thanksgiving week or any Saturday: making soup from what you didn’t regret and letting it warm you up from the inside out. Look at what you’ve survived, notice where you’ve flourished despite the mess. It’s how you become grateful to yourself, which, trust me, is a beautiful and necessary thing. Do it with your friends and family. Or just you, over a cup of tea.

My remedy for regrets when I catch them has been knowing if I was faced with similar situations as the ones I regretted, my present day self would make different decisions. And if they come up again, I’ll act in a wiser way.

As always, the best mantra for catching myself in regret is “begin again.” The best mantra for noting something I don’t regret is, “thank you.”

Watch for my Dysfunctional Family Holiday Survival Guide coming out on Monday.

Thank you for being a subscriber!
Seriously grateful,

Jill

Top Photo Credit: Michelle Obama, via YouTube

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